I Haven’t Been Myself

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” ~ Maya Angelou

I vowed I would write at least once every couple of days, but these last two weeks had me stepping away from my computer.

I’m not complaining, but life has been difficult for my family. My granddaughter’s favorite sport is basketball. While doing a layup, she came down wrong on her ankle. They thought it was a sprain that ended up being torn ligaments at both the top and bottom of the ankle. Now, she may need surgery to repair the damage. Basketball is her favorite sport, and now she needs to sit out the entire basketball season and be a statistics taker. She is not happy.

My daughter, her mom, had just arrived home from taking my granddaughter to her orthopedic appointment when she called me. She had an odd pain in her side and she was vomiting.

The next morning, she was being prepped for emergency surgery.

My daughter-in-law fell at work, and she needed to have surgery. She cracked the knee cap and tore all the ligaments and muscles.

This week, I went to the doctor for another UTI. The doc was good, and he found that I have interstitial cystitis. It has the same symptoms as a UTI but needs a series of treatments because, if not found in time, it can cause pinholes in the bladder.

I have a series of treatments set up for the next four weeks.

So…what has this got to do with my diet? I am a stress eater. Throw in the upcoming holidays, and I am not doing well with my diet.

I have rediscovered the joy of eating cookies and mints. My husband bought me my favorite coconut bonbons and a bag of wintergreen mints. I shouldn’t have eaten them, but I did.

I am feeling guilty because although I have lost no weight; I have gained none either, which is probably a good thing, and a shock.

I know I need to get back into the swing of things, or my new Christmas dress will not fit.

thank you all for listening to my complaining, and for being there with me.

Be safe and enjoy the upcoming week. I hope I will. :))


I’m Not a Genius, but I’m Not Stupid

Genius is the ability to put into effect what is on your mind.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

I often sit down and wonder how I got to this point in my life? I’ve been married twice, have four stepchildren, four natural children, twelve grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren.

My husband of almost twenty-five years, tells me my ex-husband made it easy for him to look good. Even when he had hair down to his butt and his fu manchu mustache, he made me smile. My dad loved him. My mom trusted him. My kids felt safe with him. Having biker outside, only hid the inside from those who didn’t want to see.

I don’t know if you know the song that says, “Friday night I crashed your party. Saturday I said I’m sorry. Sunday night I did it all again…..You may be right, I may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for.” That song reminds me of my husband.

Not a day goes by, not matter how old or heavy I have become, he still takes time to call me his ‘pretty lady’. The first time I met him he told me that I was stunning. He still makes me feel so. He walks by me and kisses my neck, or pinches my butt, then whistles like it wasn’t him.

I am so happy that sometimes I wait for something wrong to happen, so I’m not worrying about when this bubble of love will burst. I’m not a genius, but I’m not stupid, I found something special and I plan on keeping for another twenty-five years.

I remember my mom at ninety-two, and I’m not sure my husband would want to be with me at that age. LOL

I now have him eating healthier. He has cut out sugar and saturated fats. He watches his portions, because he wants to be with me for as long as possible.

His passion is cookies, and I was looking for a healthier cookie that was low in sugar, and high in natural grains. I found a cookie that is called HomeFree. Ā These cookies are safe for those with allergies and sensitivities, so that they can be enjoyed without worry! My daughter loves them since she is vegan and these cookies are vegan.

I’m hoping the get rid of the sweet tooth I have developed since the pandemic started. I’m still working on getting rid of the pandemic 25, but you all know that.

Well, I’m tired and ready to finish up some work before I can go to bed. Or…maybe I’ll skip the work and get a hot shower then go to bed early.

Take care my friends and thank you for listening to my rambling. Want to hear more? Let me know. Send me a message. I am a REAL person. LOL

Friday night I crashed your party
Saturday I said I’m sorry
Sunday came and trashed me out again
I was only having fun
Wasn’t hurting any one
And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change

I’ve been stranded in the combat zone
I walked through Bedford Stuy alone
Even rode my motorcycle in the rain
And you told me not to drive
But I made it home alive
So you said that only proves that I’m insane

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for
Turn out the light
Don’t try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

Remember how I found you there
Alone in your electric chair
I told you dirty jokes until you smiled
You were lonely for a man
I said take me as I am
‘Cause you might enjoy some madness for a while

Now think of all the years you tried to
Find someone to satisfy you
I might be as crazy as you say
If I’m crazy then it’s true
That it’s all because of you
And you wouldn’t want me any other way

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for
It’s too late to fight
It’s too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for
Turn out the light
Don’t try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
You may be right
You may be wrong but you may be righ

I Feel Like I’m Playing a Game

I’m afraid that sometimes you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you.
-Dr. Seuss

I’m not the type of person who takes a lot of things seriously. I can’t sit around and worry about what could be and try to only worry about what is. I shouldn’t even say worry because I spent too much of my adult life worrying about things I couldn’t change.

My mom used to remind me about the serenity prayer. ‘Grant me the ability to know what cannot be changed., The power to change what can be changed and the wisdom to know the difference.’. On the heels of this bit of wisdom, she also told me to be patient.

To all of this, I would tell her that Patience is a virtue. If I were virtuous, I would be a candidate for sainthood. To be a saint I had to be dead, and I wasn’t ready to die. So F— patience!

I feel like life is little more than a game sometimes, and I don’t know all the rules. If I knew the rules, I would probably be able to lose the weight and keep it off. I wouldn’t need to second guess what is healthy and what is not. (Have you ever noticed how the foods that are the worse for you taste the best and look delicious?)

It is a game that I am only playing by myself.

This is the reason why I hated playing video games. I would lose and get upset. The only person I was playing against myself, and I couldn’t even beat myself. It was a lose/lose situation when you played a game with yourself. You never really won because there was no one to beat. I quit playing games when this realization hit.

I recently realized I was treating my weight loss journey like it was a game. It was becoming a game that only I would lose or win, and I didn’t like that idea.

I need to take this seriously and look at it as a life change. I need to stick with my diet and not look at the beautiful foods, but at the foods, I can make beautiful and still make them healthy.

Thank you for joining me on my journey. I look forward to your comments.

Don’t Judge Me

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
-Charles M. Schulz

Before you say anything, I want you to get your right hand free. If you can honestly say you haven’t done any of this, then comment to me, and I’ll praise you forever because you are closer to Sainthood than anyone I know. I have a feeling, however, that there won’t be very many praises coming from me.

As for the right hand, I want you to mentally raise it when you fit into any of these categories, and I want to hear from you too. It will be so nice to know I’m not the only one who does these things.

I told you that I have an eating disorder. I am also compulsive, and this is where my problem comes in.

I don’t do a lot of shopping because I tend to be an impulse buyer, and one is not enough. Last week, I was in the grocery store. My husband wanted his favorite ice cream. I found his ice cream, but I also saw chocolate marshmallow. If you live in our area, you know that it is almost impossible to pass over Turkey Hill chocolate marshmallow ice cream. It is creamy milk chocolate ice cream with the gooiest of marshmallow swirled all through.

cup of chocolate ice cream decorated with gingerbread heart and chocolate sauce

Instead of buying just a pint (I’ll have to tell you that it didn’t come in a pint), I bought the full carton, which is now about three quarts. (How many of you remember when ice cream came in a half-gallon cardboard container? You could peel the sides, and slice the ice cream.) Within two days, I had the entire container emptied. Raise your hand. I’m sure someone reading this has done it.

I also have a tendency of buying chocolate. Not only do I love Lindt truffles, but I also love Cadbury mini eggs at Easter. I will buy a large bag of these and hide them from my husband. While working at night, I am pulling out a couple candies at a time. Before I know it, the bag is empty, and I feel like a real loser. I had already promised myself I was going to lose weight, but I was gorging myself on chocolate. To top it all off, I had to continue working without anything to eat. Raise your hand. I know you want to.

Full frame background of gourmet handmade praline chocolates with decorative patterns and coatings viewed close up top down

At that point, I think of the seven deadly sins and know that I am definitely guilty of committing at least one of them…Gluttony.

So…I ate my chocolate marshmallow ice cream, and I felt guilty. I got on the scale this morning, and sure enough, it showed me that I had eaten all that ice cream. The weight went up almost two pounds.

I am already downing myself, so I don’t need anyone out there telling me how foolish I am or how I have no willpower because I already know it.

I also know that you are all commiserating with me, and hoping I am able to get back on track.

Next hands-up moment. I bought an outfit that is three sizes smaller than I am now wearing. I know that my husband will think I look sexy as all get out when I put it on. Have you ever bought something too small, as an incentive, and then realized you just ate enough that put a couple of pounds back on the scale? Be honest. I won’t see you. LOL

Not so sexy, but it’s smaller than I normally wear, and it suits my sentiment when I’m in a binging mood.

So… the answer to this quiz isn’t that I have no willpower, but that I am human. I have moments when I am sad or upset or just not feeling as good as I should be, and I use food as my panacea. It makes me feel good for a short time, but my weight loss will make me feel good for the rest of my life.

I’ll get back into it today. I’m feeling better today and not quite as tired as I was yesterday. However, it isn’t quite 8AM and I have already been up for nearly five hours. Maybe I needed sleep and not chocolate marshmallow ice cream? Right!!!!!!!!!!! I WANTED the chocolate ice cream, and I had it, but the guilt trip had me wanting to go back to bad habits. Bulemia wasn’t the answer then, and it isn’t the answer now.

Take care my friends, and check-in with me. Thank you for all the likes, and for following me. Without you, these would be empty words lost in cyberspace.

Slippery Situations

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.

It seems a bit odd to start this with a picture of my grandparents. the little kids are my older sister and brother who were taken from us within the last two years. They are missed terribly, but that isn’t why I put this picture up.

I used to look at my grandmother and think that she was the picture of femininity. Even in her seventies, she kept her nails manicured and she watched her weight. She always looked like I thought an older woman should. I wanted to be like her when I grew up.

I keep my nails manicured and I try to watch my weight, but sometimes I fail. The last couple years, I have failed miserably.

I try blaming it on the pandemic and not doing anything but perfecting my cooking skills. I was always a good cook, but I didn’t go overboard with how much of it I was eating.

My husband and I went through some troubling times because of the pandemic, and eating became a panacea. This has left me in a slippery situation where I lose a few pounds and gain one or two back.

I know I need to just keep going and not give up, but sometimes it gets really hard. Over the past two years, just saying ‘to hell with it’ has become an escape. I was sad because my husband and I were always fighting, at least when we were talking that is. My husband didn’t talk to me much because he and I weren’t agreeing on how strictly he was adhering to the Covid rules. I couldn’t even have someone on the porch. He didn’t want anyone within six feet of us even if we were outside and we were wearing masks.

I understand he was trying to protect us and our family, but I wanted to see my children and grandchildren.

I ate as a way to stay calm and basically say to hell with it all. I didn’t care anymore.

Now it is coming back to bite me in the butt. I lost twenty pounds, gained four, and lost one again.

At this rate, I will be eighty before I have lost all my weight. I want to look good for me and feel good for me. I’m tired of being ashamed to be seen by anyone who knows me. I don’t want to be the fat girl again, like I was when in school.

I have a fiftieth class reunion coming up, and I want to look like I did twenty years ago or at least a reasonable facsimile.

So, here I am, being totally honest with you all, and hoping you can share with me on how to break this horrible cycle. I can’t do it all by myself.

Thank you for reading, and keeping me in your thoughts. Everyone who has liked an article or is following me, are always in my thoughts.

What Do I Want To Be?

Whatever you are, be a good one.
-Abraham Lincoln

I wasn’t able to sleep last night. I got to sleep about midnight, and I woke up at 3:30 this morning.

I can’t just sit around and do nothing, so I grabbed the half bushel apples my husband bought, and I made homemade apple sauce. By 7:30, I had fifteen pints of applesauce, and I did a lot of thinking while working.

My granddaughter always calls me Lady, and I don’t look at it as disrespect. She loves me and does whatever she can to show me how much.

She is almost twenty now, and the most beautiful young woman I know.

She knows what she wants to do with her life. Her boyfriend is a woodworker and makes beautiful river tables. She makes jewelry out of rocks, and it is stunning.

I know she wants to be with him and work side by side.

It made me wonder what I want to be? I’m a copywriter, an SEO specialist, and I write books (After five years, they are beginning to sell). I’m a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and a great-grandmother, but somewhere along the line I forgot who I was.

I am on the way to making myself healthy, through watching what I eat, but I’m hooked on Chai tea. Way too many calories, but when it is cold in the morning, it is OHHHH so good.

then I wondered if I really need to know what I want to be, or who I am? I know who I am. I am happy being everything that has been gifted to me.

I was given many challenges in life, and I survived the. I went from being an unhappy wife with an unhappy husband, to a happy wife with a new husband who made me laugh and feel loved.

I found out that I am a happy person and I love the family I have. I think the greatest gift that anyone could have, is the gift of life. I don’t want to waste my life with a bunch of what-ifs.

I know who I am, and it took watching the sun come through my windows with the first light of dawn, and doing things that I enjoy the most. It took taking the things that some take for granted and turning them into something inviting and delicious.

I’ve been at a standstill with my weight, for several days now, but at least I’m not gaining. I really should give up the Chai tea, but it is my weakness, along with my husband, kids, and grandkids.

It’s such an amazing thing, to be loved and liked by those you love and like.

Have an amazing day, and thank you for reading.

Are you naughty or nice? Christmas is just around the corner. If you like naughty books, look for Christmas Only Comes Once a Year, and Mary Christmas, by Tawny Shade.

Just Put One Foot In Front of the Other

If you are going through hell, keep going.
-Winston S. Churchill

I am so tired of people telling me that you need to take things one day at a time, or just put one foot in front of the other. I haven’t yet figured out to take more than one day at a time. I get confused very quickly at my age. If I walked any way other than putting one foot in the front of the other, I would always be walking backward.

I want to tell them that I will live my life my way, and they can live theirs in their own way.

When someone notices that you are losing weight, or working, or whatever you’re changing, they seem to want to give you advice. My mama told me that all advice is unsolicited opinion. Everyone has one, but few people really care what it is.

I know I get off on tangents every once in a while, but I am really upset today. I had someone tell me that I will never lose the weight on my own, and told me to try weight watchers. Someone else recommended Noom, and another said Jenny Craig.

I could probably take up a whole page of diet plans that are available, I just want to watch what I eat and not worry if I’m losing 15 pounds a month, or five pounds a month. At least I’m losing, and isn’t that what this is all about.

For this reason, I am cutting it short for the evening. I am aggravated and I don’t want to feed negative energy into this.

Today I went grocery shopping, and spent almost $70 on fruits and vegetables, and some yummy cranberry cinnamon goat cheese.

My husband was fed cheeseburger soup without the burger, and he loved it.

We’re not going vegan or even vegetarian, but I don’t think it hurts to incorporate more veggie into our diet. Because of these changes, I have lost a full size, and I am proud. We have all been through hell over the past year and a half, and we are still walking. You can only go half way through hell, before you are heading out..

Sales on ‘I’ll Be Seeing You’ are beginning to go up again, and I am very proud of this.

Thank you for your well wishes, and I am enjoying seeing that more people are reading my ponderings and actually enjoying them.

Have a great evening, and I’ll chat with you soon.

I’ll be thinking of all of you, and enjoying reading some of the things you guys write.

Stay safe, and enjoy life.

It Was a Crazy, Emotional Day

Being crazy isn’t enough.
-Dr. Seuss

Before I get into the day I had today, I have some personal things to get to.

I want to thank all of you who are reading my thoughts and liking them. For those of you who are following, I thank you doubly. It’s nice to not be alone in all the craziness that is my life, and I am glad you take time out of the craziness in your life to visit me.

Yesterday ended with confusion and hope.

I got a phone call at 8PM last night. It was from an editor who had read my children’s Christmas book, “Ellie’s Grand Christmas Wish’. They want to revamp the book and republish it for me. This means I may be looking at a contract.

I asked right up, what was this was going to cost me?

By the time he was finished talking, my husband was looking dubious, and I was left wondering if I had heard him right. He offered to write me an offer and send it via email. This was going to be about the deal he was offering.

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing this when I normally talk about my diet, and how I am doing.

I am a STRESS eater.

First I found out that the little boy I babysit for does not have Covid, but he has a horrible chest cold. I love that little kid, and I miss him, but I wouldn’t babysit him until I knew he didn’t have Covid. Second: My sister’s husband had an accident and completely destroyed his car and the car that was standing still. Third: We lost a porch and about fifteen trees during a really bad storm that went through our area. It wasn’t as bad as the people from Louisianna, but it was bad for us.

I’m trying to keep on a diet, and these things are happening. I took a deep breath, and moved on.

Today, while trying to get twenty articles done, I was thinking about the phone all, and what I was going to do. In the midst of thinking, I started biting my nails. The nails led to raisin bread toast, and tonight I had a huge handful of gummy bears and about ten peanut butter pretzels.


My stomach is upset, and I feel like I am about to vomit. I need guidance on the book, and my husband tells me it is up to me. I already have one book in the advertisement stage. Is this where Ellie is heading?

I picked up a glass of almond milk and gulped it down.

I’m sure that tomorrow I will see at least three pounds added on the scale.

I need help!!!! I’m glad you’re all listening and please send me good thoughts.

Any ideas? I’d love to hear them.

Ellie’s Grand Christmas For my readers, I will offered a signed copy for just $5. Part of the updating of this book, is going to be a revamp of the pricing. My original publisher made the price so high that no one could afford to buy it. I like the idea of a price somewhere between $5 and $9.

I’ll Be Seeing You This is a clean book for any reader. It is the story of my mom and dad. Mom approved, LOL. If interested let me know. I’ll give you a good offer.

So, that’s it for tonight. I’m out of gummy bears, and pretzels. I think I’ll write more articles, and have less work to do tomorrow.

I thank you all, and wish you a good night. without you, I wouldn’t be able to stick to this diet, or fall off the diet. I share it all.

Taking a New Look on my Weight Loss Journey


“There are no intellectual locks on Zen. “

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I have found that it is praticing breathing in with full awareness. Tasting that breath, appreciating it fully, and breathing out with equal appreciation.

Give all of your stress, anger, anxiety away while breathing, and hold onto nothing. Breathe in with gratitude; breathe out with love.

Receiving and offering, is what we do each time we inhale and exhale. We do so with conscious awareness, on a regular basis.

I’m not a Buddhist, and to practice Zen does not make it a religion. It is a normal way of life that we all have experienced. Some count to ten, others scream out into the universe, and some panic. I have learned that none of these work for me.

Some call it Zen but to me it is meditation. When things in life seem to fall apart, I breathe. Simply breathe in and out and remember I am just a small particle in something much larger, and I am not alone.

This is my go to when I realize I am fretting my diet. I have to accept that there are going to be days when I can’t or simply do not want to stick strictly with my diet.

I will allow myself that piece of cake at the birthday party. I will allow that piece of lasagna at a family dinner, or the piece of pizza when I am out with my friends. I can have wine and beer when we’re partying, or enjoy the carbonara when away for a weekend with my husband.

I allow myself forgiveness and continue with the diet on the next day.

What is Zen? Zen is forgiveness for your own transgressions. Zen is forgiveness for the transgressions of others. Zen is peace within oneself, and the acceptance that although I am not perfect, I try to create peace in the world through my own actions.

I’m trying to be Zen with my diet.

Join my journey and let me know I’m not alone.

Thank you.

Bad Day to Count Calories

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
-Charles M. Schulz

My husband and I had to go into the city today to talk to a doctor. By the time we got out of the office, it was almost 3:30 and we hadn’t had lunch. I was starving, but we had one more stop to make before we got home.

We stopped to pick up some groceries, realizing I hadn’t called my sister back who had called while we were on the way into the city.

In the last two weeks, I had already watched my son get so sick from Covid, that he was worried he wasn’t going to make it to his 40th birthday. On Saturday, he called to tell me he wouldn’t be going to work for at least another two weeks. He was sick again, and my nine-year-old granddaughter had tested positive.

I spent two days working feverishly, trying to get a week’s worth of work done in two days, in case I was needed.

On Sunday, my sister called and told me to call our brother. His wife was in the hosptial. She was badly dehydrated from Covid.

By the time we got home, it was nearly five o’clock, and I didn’t feel like cooking. I grabbed some fresh fish and quickly fried it up in a tablespoon of butter. I also got some vegetable out of the fridge.

Unfortunately, none of this was able to satisfy tthe craving I had for something sweet. After a piece of raisin toast, and a chocolate pudding cup, I wasn’t satisfied.

I felt like I was doing what I would have chastised my grandchildren for doing. I pulled out a large spoon and dunked it into the nutella. I felt like I was indulging in the best food I could possibly eat. I felt five again.

Of course, now the guilt is setting in, and I wonder if my stomach ache will go away on its own. I know there won’t be any weight loss when I get up in the morning, and it is my own fault.

I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday, and they are going to expect to see another five pounds off me from what I reported this morning.

I sure hope I can recoup from the setback I had today.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you stick with me through my journey. Hearing your comments and seeing your likes makes it feel like I’m not in this together.

Cloud eggs.

Separate two eggs for each person.

Whip the eggs until light and fluff. LIght fold in 2 tablespoons of grated parmesan cheese.

Spoon this onto a parchment paper-lined baking sheet. Indent with a spoon and: Bake for 6 minutes at 350 degrees.

Place one egg yolk in each indent. I sprinkle with hot paprika.

Bake an additional six minutes and serve.

Cloud eggs give the appearance of more volume than do fried or poached eggs. The parmesan adds a bit of saltiness to it, and there is about 400 calories per serving, and lots of protein.


If you enjoy this recipe, let me know.